One-Liners

The below quips, zingers, and one-liners come from my previously published book Merry Medicine for the Soul, which was a compilation of bits and stories I once shared when I was involved in banquet comedy. I have edited out the stories and much of the comedy bits so you mostly find encouraging one-liners and some humorous but truthful zingers. You can purchase a softcover book of these, One-Liners, Quips, & Zingers, available at the Books page.

 

 

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Marriage is two incompatible people learning to live compatibly and that is the process of love.

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Relationships are confusing to a man because there are no time clocks, goal posts, or referees explaining the penalty calls.

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Marriage therapy begins for the wife at kickoff and for the husband when they get out of the vehicle at the mall.

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Earth is the only hell some will ever know and the only heaven others will ever know.

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God is the only writer who can put the first draft in stone.

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Loneliness is the first thing God mentions in Scripture as not good.

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The good physician treats, the Great Physician heals.

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Religion is man’s attempt to get God to love them, the Bible is God’s attempt to get man to love Him.

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To be a good husband you need to ask forgiveness quickly and kiss slowly.

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I know that I am absolutely right on my political opinions, but I want to be sensitive to the fact that others don’t realize that.

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If you’ve drifted away your Creator, ask Him to reverse the current.

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Most brides don’t wear veils for weddings because they want to see what they are getting into.

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Wives, your husband is a campfire and if you keep the fire going, he won’t go out.

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The difference between a marriage and an affair is one is a relationship with a real person and the other is with your imagination.

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God is older than your problems, so ask Him, He’s got experience in dealing with it.

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You can’t see through your darkest times unless you are looking toward the Light.

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The good news is, the older I get the closer I am to living longer.

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Today, I have successfully surpassed my previous record of the most consecutive days of being alive.

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Life on earth is hard work, but at least we get an annual trip around the sun.

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Memories are like tattoos, you may not know why you did it but they’re always there to remind you that you did it.

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If you’re going to fall in love, land on your feet so at least your head will stay straight.

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Faith is putting all your eggs in God’s basket.

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Kissing your spouse may not spread germs, but it will lower your resistance.

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A marriage without laughter is a lonely relationship, so if you don’t have a sense of humor you probably won’t have any children either.

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Life is loaded with lots of breakable pieces, which is why it’s a good idea to stay close to the Creator.

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Sometimes it’s better to say I don’t and avoid a headache than say I do and accept a heartache.

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The bride takes ownership of the marriage because she bought the dress, the tux was only a rental.

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I love my wife so much that I can’t express it with words, so I have to use my lips, arms, and hands.

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If you are emotionally consumed about redefining your past, it’s not your past.

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If you don’t get your way, get over it. If you do get your way, get on with it. If it’s not your way, get away from it.

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I’ve seen enough grooms to testify that love must be blind.

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If you don’t stand for something, your rear end will get sore.

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Don’t test the depth of the water with both feet.

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If someone is pointing to the heavens, the focus is not their finger.

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The un-aimed arrow never misses, but it won’t put food on your table either.

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The right person usually comes into your life by accident but stays on purpose.

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Love is being able to look at someone and able to smile without thinking about it.

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God used the rib of Adam to create Eve, because a women deserves to be under a man’s arm and close to his heart.

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It’s hard to be happy when you won’t let go of the things that make you sad.

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Being in love is a condition whose cure is at the will of the other person.

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Being married with children is leaving them with a sitter so you can get away for a date night and spend it talking about the kids.

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Love is a mental condition that requires a physical cure.

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Being in love is not being able to not think of that person.

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God put spaces between your fingers so you can hold their hand.

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If you walk away from a relationship without a reason, don’t expect to get it back with an excuse.

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Sincerity is the key to a politician’s success, and once they can fake that they’ll win votes.

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You have to go to heaven, so you can see how your grandkids turn out.

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Sometimes the grass is greener only because there’s more manure there.

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Some ministers practice what they preach only by rehearsing their upcoming sermon.

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It’s not that some people don’t believe in God, it’s that they know he’s watching so they are merely entertaining him.

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A child has grown up when they stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you tell you where they’re going.

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Sometimes love at first sight only last until the second look.

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Work isn’t hard, doing nothing is hard, how do you know when you’re finished?

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If your husband is right, submit, but if he’s wrong, outwit.

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If they’re talking behind your back it means that you are ahead of them.

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Never follow your heart, until it first consults with your mind, or you’ll lose both.

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The only reason a man wants to be president is because he doesn’t want to wait more than four years for his hair to turn gray.

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Looking behind is heartache, looking around is depression, but looking forward is hopeful.

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A good listener may actually be someone preoccupied with their own thoughts.

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I am a very patient person, except when I have to wait.

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If you marry for money, you’ll go bankrupt trying to keep up the interest.

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Marriage is a game that last a lifetime, requires two participants, and according to its rules, both win.

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Youth would be the best part of life if it came after our 50th birthday.

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I imagine that heaven will be like being born about 81 and aging down to about 18.

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Love at first sight is human, but love year after year after year is divine.

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Some couples who got married at the courthouse now wish they would have requested a jury.

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Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.

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It’s always good to pray on the days that end with the letter “y.”

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Forbidden fruit will create a jam.

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It’s ok to play life safe, when you are retired you’ll have plenty of time to deal with the regrets.

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The buck should stop at the offering plate.

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If at first you do succeed, try something bigger, better, and what you were afraid to try the first time.

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If life didn’t have set-backs there would be no going forward.

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Laughter is to stress management what goals are to success.

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The only secret of success is that there is no secret.

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Even a knife requires something other than itself to maintain its sharp edge.

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Changing the label does not alter the contents.

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It’s good to be a Christian and know it; it is even better to be a Christian and show it.

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An ounce of results is worth a ton of excuses.

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Excuses are how we lie to ourselves.

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I studied, crammed, and prepared the best I could for this eye exam and they still gave me bi-focal glasses.

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Today I exercised harder than ever, ran hard, got my heart rate up higher than ever…oh, before I forget, your great grandmother is here and she says Hello.

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Marriage is always a good thing, especially if you’re single and bored with the care-free, stress-free, and debt-free lifestyle.

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Wedlock becomes dread lock when the holy becomes unholy.

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If a lady settles for a less-than-ideal relationship, her mate will get a less-than-ideal lady.

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God’s love story doesn’t have an ending.

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A boy can maintain a dating relationship, but a man can commit to a marriage relationship.

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Time changes things because people change over time.

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A father might be the head of the house, but a mother is the heart of the home.

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I use to write everything down until I realized that the ink from my mental notes lasted as long as the pieces of paper I lost.

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My premarital advice to some couples? Don’t get all excited about nothing and then marry them.

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I don’t use the word “obey” in my wedding ceremony, because I inject humor into it in other ways.

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You can’t understand love, without first understanding women…like I said, you can’t understand love.

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Father’s day is an annual reminder that a moment’s decision can last a lifetime.

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A man can take no possessions with him after death, except his children.

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Fathers need to know that we are placed in the home as examples and children will follow that regardless of the words that go with it.

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A father is a man who has replaced the money in his wallet with the currency of his children through photos.

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Fathers are happier to see that their children look like them than they are to see them act like them.

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Heredity is something to believe in when your child brings home A’s on their report cards.

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Fathers can tell without teaching, but they can’t preach without practicing.

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Everything a husband needs to know to talk to his wife can be memorized in three word phrases: I love you. I am sorry. You are right. I am wrong. May I please. Yes you can. If you want.

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Prayer is like a guardrail on our earthly journey that keeps us from falling into carelessness and deviating from our upward path.

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Prayer is the wellspring of spiritual health and rejuvenation.

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The presence of Jesus is the joy of prayer.

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If you don’t learn from someone else’s mistakes you’ll run out of time trying to accomplish what you’re here for.

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The man who boosts of never making a mistake is married to a lady who has.

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Some stress about being able to live only once, I stress about being able to live right.

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Pine trees are always greener in the winter.

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It use to be that American parents wished they could give their children wealth so they could avoid their hardships, today we wish we could give our children the hardships so they would value our wealth.

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Prayer is the wellness of our soul.

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Before criticizing your spouse’s faults, consider that it may have been the reason they’re now yours.

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Being a husband is like any other job–it helps if you like the boss.

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Marriage is not a compromise with your spouse, but with yourself.

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The secret to conquering our giants is not the slingshot we use against it, but the faith we bring before it.

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Yesterday was marked by mistakes, tomorrow will bring new failures, but today is our chance to live in God’s grace.

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If you’re in deep water, you’ll be better off keeping your mouth shut.

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If you’re going to die, today’s as good as any day, but if you rather not, hang on a little longer and Jesus will be back to get you.

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Veterinarians may be the smartest doctors, because their patients can’t tell them where it hurts.

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Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

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Mothers cry at weddings because daughters tend to marry men like their father.

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Marriage begins with a wedding, because in wedding the “WE” comes before the “I.”

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Marriage can start losing its flavor when couples get so busy earning their salt that they forget the sugar.

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Nothing burns up a girlfriend in a sour relationship like the presence of an old flame.

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A line is the shortest distance between two points…except when you’re trying to buy something.

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I’m planning on dying someday, I’m just not planning on being there when it happens.

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If your wife ever leaves you, go with her.

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The good thing about being alive is knowing that you’re not dead yet.

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Achieving a dream is not about wanting it badly enough, but about being bad enough at it until you achieve it.

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Our society is backwards, children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison.

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You join a church congregation to grow your faith, but you join a church committee to lose your religion.

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If everything is coming your way you are probably in the wrong lane.

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A man who invests in prayer is a man who is rich in divine dividends.

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Wishing doesn’t move the star, but praying moves the One who put it there.

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There is no such thing as a no-fault divorce, someone had to propose.

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I have a high tolerance to pain, but only until it starts to hurt.

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It’s not that I have anything against hunting or killing animals for food, it’s just that I have been fortunate that every time I’ve moved, there has been a grocery store nearby.

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We are either one nation under God or we are one nation under.

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I run my house…I run the dishwasher, the washing machine and my kids all around town.

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I’ve got serious mental problems…I know that because they are far more complicated in my mind.

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Be careful about building walls to keep-out hurts…they will also keep-out happiness.

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Some children are more creative than others…they create more problems, work, and stress.

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My wife is as pretty as a picture and she has the frame for it, too.

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An open heart toward others is compassion, an open heart toward God is prayer.

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Sometimes it takes a tumble to make us humble.

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The early church was a people of low living and high thinking, but today we are more like a people of high living and low thinking.

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Procrastination is for those who need something to look forward to

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If your life is unbecoming to you, you should be coming to Christ.

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Some go through life waiting for death, others will go through death waiting for life.

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If your Sabbath rest has more to do with a hole-in-one rather than the Holy One, you may be missing something.

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Failure is our chance to begin again, but this time without telling everybody about it.

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Never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up…the fact that you forgot your speech notes.

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If I could go back to High School and start-over, I’d be the janitor.

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There has to be more to life than this, because I can’t see more than a mile around me.

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If these walls could talk, I’d get really freaked-out.

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My neighbor told me he doesn’t read the Bible because by the next day he can never remember what he read anyway. I said, I can’t remember what ate for lunch yesterday, but that won’t stop me from eating lunch today.

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I tried to set my sail in a new direction but the wind got in my way.

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Note to Self: Don’t run on the track while air-drumming to Keith Moon on Quadrophenia…it’s like propellers on an airplane and impossible to stop, but at least that lady’s stroller was empty.

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I met my wife online…it was love at first type.

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The only thing that has changed since Eden is we’ve discovered more ways to cover ourselves up.

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We all want to live forever and if you’re reading this, so far so good.

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Maybe God is asking you for a sign.

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Something may have gone wrong if you wake up from your operation and your surgeon is St. Peter.

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A hospital room is a place where friends of the patient go to talk to friends of the patient.

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I once attended a healing church…they healed me from insomnia.

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Diamonds are the hardest thing on earth. How fitting that they represent the commitment of marriage.

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Women have an extra incentive to get married, because they buy clothing with buttons on the back.

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I’m not a big believer in health food, because now that I’m old I need all the preservatives I can get.

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I’m still trying to figure out how I got over the hill without making it to the top.

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There will be no marriage in heaven, because God doesn’t want women to go through eternity feeling like they’re talking to a wall.

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Very few people actually read the Bible, but everyone reads those that claim too.

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He may have left the tomb empty, but He didn’t leave it silent.

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Men have two senses: sight and squeeze…that’s why it confuses me when ladies think they should be supermodel skinny.

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All play and no work makes Johnny a broke boy.

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I once saw a FedEx truck driving out of our local cemetery. It made me wonder if the family was just in a hurry.

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There will be no marriage in heaven, because God doesn’t want men to miss the magnificence of it all by going through eternity with only one thing on their mind.

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I love animals – especially steamed shrimp and grilled steak.

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A life without Christ leads to a hopeless end, but a life with Christ leads to an endless hope.

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Heck is where you’ll end-up if you reject gosh.

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Parenting is the art of allowing your children to have your way.

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Men know they’re in mid-life when the hair on their legs starts coming out their ears.

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I’ve been thinking about becoming a pessimist, but I really doubt that it would do me any good, anyway.

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Our churches are in want of ministers who are consumed by the Holy flame and not concerned with human fame.

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There will be no marriage in heaven because God doesn’t want husbands to go through eternity asking “What did I say?”

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Failures mark every one’s past, except for those that attempted a thing so quiet, small, and unimportant that no one would have noticed.

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Life is short, so pray longer.

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Unless you’re still enslaved in Egypt, everything you need to know to enjoy your freedom is found in those two stone tablets.

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God gave father’s sons to have hope and daughters to have love.

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Prayer is the avenue to residing in peace, even in the midst of life’s worst storms.

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Love might bring a marriage together, but learning to fight and being willing to fight fair, is what keeps a marriage together.

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There will be no marriage in heaven because there will be better destination for a honeymoon.

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The Bible doesn’t say what the disciples in the boat were saying when Jesus was walking on the water, but I’m guessing doubting Thomas probably said, “Hum, I didn’t know that Jesus can’t swim.”

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To remember God’s hand in our past is to hold His hand into our future.

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Prayer is to stress what white blood cells are to wounds.

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If you don’t know what to pray about, you don’t know who you’re praying too.

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Mid-life crises is when a man realizes that his retirement plan has more to do with picking a box and a bridge than picking a stock and a broker.

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A gossiper is someone who can’t hold a conversation.

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It’s all been said before, unless you’re Adam.

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I saw a television commercial for a laxative that promised to work while you sleep…I don’t know about you but that’s not something I want to wake-up you too.

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Life is short…unlike the word immortality.

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Poor customer service is usually not an intentional business decision, just a lack of a decision for intentional customer service.

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It’s always darkest before you turn the lights on.

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A wedding is where a groom relinquishes his bachelor’s degree and the bride receives her master’s degree.

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Prayer is the only place on earth where a man can find rest.

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If you think a fly-over of F-16’s or the Blue Angels is an awesome experience, wait till Jesus returns.

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A teacher’s worst nightmare is not a disobedient and disrespectable student, but a disobedient and disrespectable student with perfect attendance.

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Being able to laugh at yourself is not only emotionally healthy, but you’ll never be without entertainment.

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Your disappointment may be His appointment.

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Christians need to remember that the Bible calls us to be His witnesses, not lawyers, not judges, and not part of the jury.

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Death is where you leave behind all that you have and take with you all that you are.

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Remember, when you are down to nothing, God is up to something.

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It’s Yahweh or the highway.

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If you just do the dos, you won’t have to worry about the don’ts.

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If you want to be able to stand-up to anything, you must do it from your knees.

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Christians ought to keep the faith, but not to themselves.

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I once made a hospital visit to a terminally ill patient who said, “Chaplain, you don’t need to pray for my soul, I don’t care where I’m going, I have friends in both places.” To which I responded, “Well, which ones do you want to spend eternity with?”

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In case you haven’t noticed, the expense and extravagance of the wedding ceremony has no direct positive influence on the richness and respect of the marriage relationship.

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God deals in a currency of faith. Anything other has no exchange value in the Heavenly economy.

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It’s easier to say goodbye to a person than it is to a relationship.

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There is nothing new under the sun…the best we can do is scrub it down, re-paint, or spin it so others think it’s new.

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It’s not going over the hill that worries me, it’s being under it.

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Sometimes life is like boiling tea…you never know what you can do until you’re in hot water.

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If the Big Bang theory has been proven true, who light the fuse?

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When I was a child I had a big family because I had 2 sisters and 2 brothers…now days you have a big family by having 2 moms and 2 dads.

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Everything I needed to know for fatherhood I learned from my Dad…keep the doors close, shut off the lights, and flush the toilet.

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Besides a passion for humor and a reverence for God, the greatest gift my Dad gave me was an understanding of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

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I can’t read lips…unless they’re my wife’s and even then only when they’re touching mine.

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For most of us, life is what we do while waiting to die, but for others, dying is what we do while waiting to live.

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Mother’s appreciate an epidural for childbirth…they just wish it would last through the teenage years.

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Adultery is like a hot tub…once you’re in it you realize it’s not that hot after all.

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A proctologist is a med-student whose academic advisor noticed that they had olfactory problems.

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If a man steals your heart get even by stealing his last name.

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The good news about liars, cheats, and mean people is you won’t have to deal with them throughout eternity.

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If you don’t think God understands the ups and downs of your marriage, consider that He gave us both Revelation and Song of Solomon.

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Some couples would be better-off if their marriage

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license expired like their drivers license.

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LOVE: Listen to them, Overlook their faults, Value them, Express your love for them!

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If you want to get your husband interested in the Bible, ask him to open it up to chapter 4 of Songs of Solomon and read it out loud before he can…well, you know.

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God put our eyes in the front of our head so we wouldn’t get tripped-up looking at our past.

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Some people believe when they see the light, but others won’t believe until they feel the heat.

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To be born once is to die twice, to be born twice is to die once.

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Divorce is the answer if the question is “Can I kill, abuse, or abandon you for another?”

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Silence is the best substitute for ignorance.

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If you and your spouse are drifting apart, get back to making yourselves one.

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God gave wrinkles to old people so we will not forget where our smiles have been.

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A dentist is a med student whose academic advisor noticed that they had really small hands.

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Some employees are like casinos…they make a lot of noise spinning wheels and pushing buttons, but they rarely give you anything back.

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Worry can drive you crazy, but since it’s driving, you might as well let it drive you to prayer.

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God doesn’t question our existence.

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There would be a whole lot less heartache from divorce in our homes if more people who said “I do” did.

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A father may be the head of a home, but a mother is always the heart of a home…otherwise it’s just a house.

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A Mother is one who delivers a child naturally and then forever thereafter by automobile.

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As you grow old, don’t worry about turning gray, worry about turning blue.

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Prayer is not always expressed by words under the shelter of a sanctuary, but by inexpressible groans under the shedding of tears.

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God created Eve from Adam’s side, but Adam from dirt, which is why a women’s tears turn the toughest man to mud.

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In a wedding ceremony the man and women are pronounced one…but marriage troubles begin when they start to wonder which one.

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Too many square meals will make one too round.

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Standing tall on your legs in debate may change minds, but bowing low on your knees in prayer will change lives.

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The groom expects her to never change, the bride expects him to change, but the Dad just hopes they have enough change to pay the bills.

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If the names John and Paul make you think of Twist and Shout, rather than Grace and Peace, you may need to spend more time in your Bible.

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Prayer is an anywhere, anytime, free-use, no adaptor required, Omnipotent wireless connection.

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Prayer gives no preference to professional status, personal wealth, or moral worthiness…it levels man’s playing field before God.

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Prayer is where God takes your worries.

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The older I get, the more I realize the older I got, without realizing the older I get.

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Prayer coverage is the best way to avoid the wait and get straight in to the Great Physician.

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Assumption pretends, doubt wishes, but faith prays.

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Prayer smoothes-out the rough edges of life.

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The funny thing is, those coincidences, breaks, and unexpected good things show-up after prayer.

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When Jesus said ‘The two shall become one’ he was saying, ‘Just make that happen’…don’t complicate it by trying to decide which one.

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God deals in a currency of faith. Anything other has no exchange value in a Heavenly economy.

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The challenge of Calvary to us Christians is, are we also willing to nail down our commitment?

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Prayer is how faith believes.

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When people hurt you, ridicule your faith, humiliate your beliefs before others, remember that they are helpless against your prayers.

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Eat right, live right, die anyway…but after that it’s between you and God.

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Troubles move us to prayer, but prayer moves us from troubles.

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Aging may take away our youthful looks, but it also masks our stupidity.

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As a teenager I lost too many brain cells, so as an adult I was at least thankful to hold on to my fat cells.

As a church we need to be helping people get born-again, not forcing pre-mature births that end-up with complications or struggling on life-support.

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A life on mission is more rewarding than a life on intermission.

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Standing on His promises is not the same as sitting on His premises.

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Prayer is like mail, so unless you address it properly, don’t expect a reply.

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Don’t let adversity knock you down…except to your knees.

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Christ did not die to save us in our sin, but from our sin, not in death, but from death, not in the grave, but from the grave.

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Christ is not seen through 20/20 vision, but through the healing of the blind man, the calming of the storm, and through the empty tomb.

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Christ did not die for sin, but for the sinner, not for our rights, but for our wrongs, not for hurts, but for hope.

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When you feel like you’ve run out of reasons to be thankful, check your pulse.

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Short prayers are fine, if you’re not too far from God.

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A man who walks upright before others is a man who kneels before God.

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A day without prayer is a day without.

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It’s not the words we use, but the want that we bring that moves our prayers to connect with Heaven.

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Marriage should be like a pair of scissors, securely joined together but sharply cutting away anything that gets between.

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Love gets to a women’s heart through her ears, but a man’s heart through his eyes.

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No news is impossible.

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If character was a prerequisite for our political leaders…we’d have no reason to put our hope in the coming Kingdom of God.

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If at first you don’t succeed…move somewhere where nobody knows that.

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It’s not that some people are so void of biblical truth, it’s just that they’re so full of religious error.

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Follow your dreams…except for the ones where you’re falling.

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I hate it when people tell me that their pets are their children. It makes me wonder about their love life.

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Old age is when you think, “If I could live life all-over, I wouldn’t.”

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My homeschooling neighbor was standing in their front yard, then I remembered it was “See you at the Pole” day.

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If you want to reconnect with the friends you lost touch with, open Facebook. If you want to reconnect with the God you lost touch with, open His book!

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Prayer is not seeking the right words but seeking the right God.

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Prayer works when we work prayer.

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The first recorded words of Satan, after the fall, were “Did God really say that?” The first recorded words of Jesus, after his baptism, was “It is Written.” So whose conversation are we continuing?

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Grand-parenting is like multi-level worrying.

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When I was faced with a post-divorce dysfunctional family life, all I could do was blame it on my parents, because they didn’t screw me up enough to know how to deal with it.

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Success is sweet, failure is sour, but regret is very bitter.

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Every tragedy, injustice, and act of evil in our world becomes a memorial that begs an answer to the question, “Am I secure enough in my faith to survive the same?”

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Wisdom is knowing how stupid you really are.

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If a church member is a hypocrite, imagine how bad he would be if he weren’t a church member.

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The gap between the head and the heart is bridged with hope.

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The uncertainty of tomorrow is calmed by the prayers of today.

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If you want to know how much trouble a church congregation is having, ask someone whose not part of it.

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Parenting is the art of bringing up children without beating them down.

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THE CROSS: The Hope Eternal, Christ Redeemed Our Sinful Souls.

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Some churches add to scripture, subtract from grace, multiply the law, and divide believers.

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You can not act the same, if you’re born again, because you are not the same.

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It’s not that older people are wiser, it’s just that as we get older the body slows down so much that all we can do is think.

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Over the years I’ve lost the same 15 pounds over and over, my weight would go up and down…my doctor calls this the rhythm method of girth control.

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A man can rise no higher than when he is on his knees.

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Life stinks…that’s why the church has pews.

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Don’t put off till tomorrow…what your wife is thinking you should do today.

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Unanswered prayers remind us that only God knows the future.

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Sometimes people need a helping hand…like a strong push.

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Politics and churches have a common ground…choices are usually made based on emotions rather than the original written founding document.

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The last flight believers take will be an all-expense paid trip, ultimate accommodations, and best of all…we will get to lose our baggage!

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Getting all worked-up about something outside of you is usually a sign that there is something inside of you that needs to be worked-out.

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There will be no crown wearers in Heaven who weren’t cross bearers on earth.

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People in power need the power of people in prayer.

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Saying ‘yes’ to a new life, can’t happen until you’re ready to say ‘no’ to an old life.

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The wages of sin is death…so you have until payday to change your work status.

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A prayer in time saves thine.

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I know my grandchildren are going to be champions, because out of millions of contestants in the marathon race to fertilize the egg, my grandchild got there first!

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Life is full of stress…the only people on this earth who have no stress are those who have taken up residence at the cemetery.

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Membership in the Kingdom of Heaven is available to all, for free, to everyone under the Son.

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If you spend more time within the walls of your church then within the pages of your Bible, you’re probably missing the point.

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A narrow mind is easily exposed by a big mouth.

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Some socially active spouses don’t like wearing a wedding ring, because it cuts off their circulation.

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Children are God’s invitation to spend more time in prayer.

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Prayer is the band-aid that covers the hurts of life.

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Everybody has a purpose in life…even if it is to serve as a bad example.

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Marriage is like employment with an attractive company…if you stop doing what you were hired to do, they’ll find someone else to do it.

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We tend to trust most in God when we can’t understand it…when we can, we are usually comfortable with being our own God.

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COEXIST…until the lake of fire.

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When I was younger I use to ask, Why not? Now that I’m older I ask, What for?

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The Bible says to “greet each other with a holy kiss”…apparently the apostles didn’t like this shaking hand thing either.

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I am a minister, a comedian, and a father of four children whose ages span 16 years…all I really can do is pray and laugh.

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This cold snap in the south has helped me understand why we have more Baptist here than up north…the idea of eternal heat must be appealing to those in the north.

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I use to think “When my kids are adults, I won’t worry about them anymore”…now I think “When I’m dead, I won’t worry about them anymore.

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I hope in the resurrection…not because of a new body, but because of a new mind, without any trace of guilt, nagging regrets, or worries.

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The good news about a new year is that we are further from our past regrets, mistakes, and sorrows and closer to the return of Jesus Christ.

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The first day of a new year should be like the first verse of the Bible…when it starts with God the rest of it will have meaning.

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In a good year, you have peaks and valleys…in a bad year, you have erupting volcanoes and unexpected sink holes.

The solution to worldly-thinking Christians is not more time at the church, but more time being the church.

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We mistakenly think the church is a building…no wonder we find it easy to be in the world, when we are only in church one hour per week.

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A life without Christ is like eating cornbread without something to drink…you’ll end up choking, gagging, or needing a Heimlich maneuver.

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To really benefit from another’s advice, first decide if you need their opinion or want their approval, then remind yourself of that after they poo poo on your parade.

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If God’s not in it, God’s not for it.

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Some people won’t change…until their life no longer depends on it.

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Some people dream only in their sleep, some people dream while they are making it a reality, and others have no clue what I mean.

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If hospitals are for people with illnesses and women go there to have babies, is it any wonder that parenting can cause such heartaches?

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Some public prayers remind me of Magellan – the first to sail around the world…and like his crew I just wish they’d put it into port.

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Saying to someone, ‘I’ll cross my fingers for you” just doesn’t quite sound as hopeful as “I’ll pray for you.”

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At birth we cry while others rejoice…if we live our lives right, it will be the other way around when we die.

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Relationships are like climbing a ladder…you don’t jump up to where you want to go, you start with the bottom wrung and take one step at a time.

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Life is like an EKG…it has its peaks and valleys, but it is when nothing is happening that you should worry.

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Prayer is where the mind is transformed.

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Thanksgiving is not just a day…it’s the attitude that inspires spiritual contentment, professional success, and relationship happiness.

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Success and happiness is attracted to an attitude of thankfulness regardless of what you have, don’t have, or won’t have.

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Marriage is like the NASCAR championship…it is not measured by one outcome, but it is determined by one’s consistency and perseverance.

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Getting feed-up can be a good thing…the toilet paper wasn’t invented until someone got feed-up with tree bark scratches and leaf rashes.

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Falling in love is like a hurricane…while you might be aware of the calmness in her eye; it’s the outer parts that get your attention.

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Life is like a Rolling Stones concert…it starts out unclear, but over time you’ll recognize the music you came for.

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A life without Christ leads to a hopeless end, but a life with Christ leads to an endless hope.

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You may not reach your goal, but you will go farther toward it had you never set that goal.

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Adults know it as Halloween, children call it Trick or Treat, but to Jehovah Witnesses it is future member training day.
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Parenting children can be like eating jalapenos…they add a kick to an otherwise tame experience, but in the end they can burn you.
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The employees at the store were taking ownership of their work…I knew that because they treated their customers like they were trespassers.
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It’s OK if you find yourself on Stupid Street…just don’t build your home there.
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God’s gift is eternal life. God’s mercy is eternal death.

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God’s grace is giving us the choice.

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You can lead a horse to water, but only if you have one.

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If the Big Bang theory explains it all…who lit the fuse?
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Success is like being a quarterback…if you’re to accomplish anything; you have to be willing to start at the bottom of some one’s butt.
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A man knows he is in mid-life when he has more hair in his ears than on his head.

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It’s a friendly church with a friendly choir…even during the songs the congregation and them are raising their hands waving to each other.

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Don’t believe everything you hear, see, or think…a lie is only a lie if it’s believable.

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An idle mind is probably male.

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Jesus was a carpenter. I know some people don’t think he’ll ever be back, but he did say he was “going to prepare a place for us” and since he was a carpenter I’m sure he wants the job done right.

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Banks confuse me. Growing up with 5 kids in the family I would continually hear my parents say, “What do you think – that money grows on trees? Then I grow up and found out that banks call themselves branches.

I have a problem trusting a vegetarian for spiritual advice…they are the ones who got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden.
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Sometimes even a good Baptist boy needs to become Catholic and pray “Hail Mary full of grace, keep my eyes upon her face.”

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I’ve adjusted to the Southern practice of motherly type store clerks calling me sweetie or honey, but when they’re obviously younger than me, I can’t decide if it feels creepy, awkward, or just humorous.
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Life is like Disney World…you get excited about going there, doing everything you wanted to do, but eventually you get tired and want to go home.

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Life is like shopping at a Wal-Mart…You’ll get where you’re going, if you’re not distracted by all the things you didn’t come for.
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Laughter is like chicken noodle soup…you may not know why, but it makes you feel better.

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Love is divinity through humanity.
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Divorce is like dealing with a death, except you have to smell the stench of the body until you’re done paying child support.

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Life is love, love is life, God is both.
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Marriage is like the Olympics…you compete by yourself, but you have a team mate to share in the rewards.
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Relationships are like email…unless you check it regularly, it will be overrun by other people’s interests, objectives, and issues.
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Laugh and your friends laugh with you, cry…and your friends start talking in a very soft voice.

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Christian can celebrate Christmas with a little Ho, Ho, Ho, and a lot of He, He, He!

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There will be no marriage in heaven…because Mom-and-Dad-alone-time will be a little tricky, remember how Jesus walked through the closed door to startle doubting Thomas?

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We are born wet, crying, and scared, and then it gets worse.

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Achieving a dream is not about wanting it badly enough, but about being bad enough at it until you achieve it.

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If God is not between a husband and wife, someone else will.

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Getting married is like fishing, except a man gets hooked and reeled in on his own line.

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To talk with your wife, a husband only needs to memorize three word phrases: I love you. I am sorry. You are right. I am wrong. If you want.

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If you have nothing to be thankful for, just be glad things aren’t any worse, and you’ll have something to be thankful for

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Some couples get married at a very early urge.

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It takes two people to make a marriage, one to make a divorce, and all the children to make up for it.

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Sometimes “I do” doesn’t mean “I will.”

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The good thing about being alive is knowing that you’re not dead yet.

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The only reason a man wants to be president is because he doesn’t want to wait more than four years for his hair to turn gray.

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A man who invests in prayer is a man who is rich in divine dividends.

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Time heals everything…that’s why physicians make you wait so long.

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Our society is backwards…children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can it in prison.

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The Bible is not a book on the heavens, it’s a book on getting to heaven

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If a husband loves his wife enough that she’s sorry to see him leave for work, she’ll love him enough that he’ll be thankful to get home.

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The Bible in 30 words…

God made,

Adam ate,

Noah arked,

Egypt plaqued,

Water parted,

Law gave,

Saul freaked,

David peeked,

Kingdom divided,

Messiah came,

Sacrifice made,

Christ arose,

And Jesus is on the way!

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Copyright © 2016 by Steve Durkac